downloadwasteland

 i'll explain more in the monthly summery post later.  so i get to work today -- i'm a cashier -- and i go to the note sheet we have that says what register we have to operate. i look at my name, and it says "maintenance". my boss came over as i looked at the sheet and said the person who works in maintenance clocked out today. i don't know why i was chosen to take their place because i have no experience in maintenance at all, never worked in that department anywhere. no suprise i wasn't very good at my job today. most of my time was spent pushing the carts back to the front of the store, only to see all of em gone everytime i came back with more. i will give it one benefit though, i could pick when i go on lunch and on break, that's it though. overall not a great day, hopefully next time i go in it's back to normal.

  I think i’ve reached the end of my rope. i feel i can’t manage my life at all. everything is so overwhelming at this point it feels like i’m drowning in the middle of the pacific. I’m run the white board bone dry trying to fix my life, but to no avail. My hands are literally shaking as I’m writing this on my phone because i’ve finally reached the end of the rope. I’ve tried for years to answer the same question over and over: “What do I want to do with my life?” Every time i attempt to answer this, i get more lost than fish on land. I have bo solutions left to try and I have no goals for myself. I don’t even know what I like anymore. I can’t ever focus on everything i need to do. if i focus on one thing all the others get forgotten, I CAN’T DO EVERYTHING I NEED TO DO AT ONCE ANF IT FRUSTRATES THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS AT OF ME! I don’t know what to do anymore. There’s nothing left to try anymore, I’ve EXHAUSTED ALL OPTIONS. Why can’t I just be a normal person? Why can’t I do anything ...

  [Vent] Feelings I’ve had some thoughts over the past few days and I just feel the need to write them down. College started last week and I’ve just felt so out of place, like I shouldn’t be there at all. That’s been a gut feeling for months now, that I shouldn’t go to college. The only reason I kept ignoring it was because everyone else kept pressuring me to go to college. When picking college I didn’t even get to pick the college I wanted to go to. My first choice was hvcc, but my parents refused to let me have a choice and forced me to go with acc. I didn’t get any freedom in my choice for college at all. My parents would’ve had to drive me to any of the colleges because I don’t have a license. If you can’t tell, my parents (especially my mom) don’t want to let go and let me spread my wings. They’re so afraid I’ll make a mistake(which THATS GOING TO HAPPEN IT’S NORMAL) that they wedge themselves in every crease possible to force themselves into all my affairs. They are technical...

  Chest Pains I was out having fun bowling on wednesday. The temperature outside was over 100 fahrenheit. I started getting chest pains from heat exhaustion. So when i got home i told my mother. She brushed it off saying i’d be fine. The pains have not gone away and it is saturday. I told my mom again and she again brushed it off. It feels as if she doesn’t care about my health. I would go to like the emergency room but i don’t have the money and a way to get there.

  Cap and Gown [Troubles] Today was supposed to be the day I picked up my Cap and Gown, and I overslept. School started at 7:30, and I woke up at 7:43, 2 hours later than I need to be up by (my bus arrives at 6:40 and I spend around 20 minutes minimum getting ready, but I usually wake up earlier for more time). My Dad said he “tried” to wake me up but my parents' way of waking me up is just opening the door and saying “Get Up,” and leaving. I was afraid my Mom was home when I woke up because she would kill me if I missed the bus. Last time I missed the bus, she gave me the silent treatment and talked __ about me behind my back to my Dad. The time to pick the cap and gown up was between 15:00 and 17:00, we could’ve just driven to the school to pick it up during that time, but no. My parents weren’t interested in doing that because it was an inconvenience for them . I got very upset with my Dad when he wanted me to get it tomorrow because I didn’t know when or where it was tomorrow, ...

  [VENT POST] Life I feel like every time I come home from School or work the house is just dead. There’s 7 other people in the house ‘cause I still live with my parents, and the house is essentially just dead. I feel like it’s been like this for the past three months. The only people that even talk to me without me talking to them first is my Mom, who pretty much will just say something along the lines of “Hey [My Name]; how was your day?” And that’s it. Other than that, the house is silent, dead, any other word to describe nothing going on. ‘Cause it’s been so dead for the last three months, I’ve been wanting to find any excuse to get out of the house. One thing was just getting a job. Sure I wanted the money but I also just wanted to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I want to just move out right now but I’m still a minor at the moment, still in High School, and still without my own car OR license.  It feels like no one wants anything to change. Sure my parents SAY that they want thing...